Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Who Am I?



Have you ever gotten to the point in your life where you looked at yourself in the mirror and didn't know who you were? I turned 30 last week. As I was driving with Matthew to my birthday lunch, I began musing that I wasn't the same person at 30 that I was at 20. At 20, I was skinny, tan (because I tanned in a tanning bed - I know!) miserable if I wasn't working, had just met Matthew a few months before, and was considering overhauling my life and moving 10 hours across the Midwest to attend a university with my best friends and my new boyfriend. I was mostly confident, sort of salty, and I definitely never wanted to be a mother to children.

So.

Fast forward to my current life at 30 - I am not as skinny (thanks children!) I am not tan. I do not work outside the home. I have been married to Matthew for almost 8 years. I moved across the Midwest after I married him to live here. I am not as confident as I was, still salty, and I have three children that I never dreamed I could love as much as I do. 

My life circumstances look different, but I think at my core, I'm still the same. 

I am an INTJ - which I know annoys all of you who don't buy into the Myers-Briggs personality typing, but I seriously do not care what you think. Knowing my MBTI has helped me so much in figuring out who I am - what makes me tick, why I like the things I like, and why I do the things I do. I know there aren't very many female INTJs. INTJs only make up 2% of the population and of INTJs, only 0.8% are women. I frequently do not feel understood. I have wondered if this is because of my MBTI or is this just part of the human condition? 

Do you feel understood? 

As a teenager, if I had to type-cast myself, I was probably the worst portions of my personality type. I was arrogant, judgmental, clueless in romance, and seemed emotionally detached. 

As an adult, I am not totally different, but I've learned which portions of my personality aren't acceptable in society. You obviously don't have tons of friends if you are a judgmental, arrogant person - so you try to hide that part of your personality, or at least temper it. I don't think that this is bad. I think this is one of the marks of growth or maturity - recognizing which parts of your personality are not acceptable in relationships with others. 

Still, there are parts of my personality that seem impossible to change -
 "Smile more!" 
"You need to be friendly and give people hugs!" 
"Stop being friends with men - the only women who are good friends with men are the women who are trouble for other women."

I have heard all of these things in my 20s. Who knows what I'll hear in my 30s?

I'd really like to focus on the assets of my personality - 
I am goal-oriented and I get things done. 
What I lack in emotional availability, I make up for in problem solving skills.
I am good at thinking - I will never not have thoughts to express. 
I am good at looking towards and planning for the future.
I have infinite patience for ideas. I will think about and talk about ideas all day long.

Rediscovering who I am in my 30s is going to be enjoyable, I think. I am making it a priority this year because amidst the shuffle of adding people to our family, I've gotten lost. 

Who are you? What are you good at? Do you know? Are you willing to take the time to find out?

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